where the river flows

Saturday, August 26, 2006

kitty cat, where you at?

We got my daughter a cat for her birthday. It was a wonderful kitty and AE loved it. They played together for hours. It was adorable to watch the baby giggle at the kitty's silly antics. A few weeks ago the kitty's behavior started digressing. It began pooping right outside its litter box. It began biting to the extent of leaving puncture marks on all members of the family. It also got fleas which although we used flea treatments and baths and flea combing we could not get rid of. Finally we came to the decision to put the kitty outside to live. This was Tuesday. I felt terrible. It sat on the back steps and mewed for hours. I almost brought it back in several times, but I kept looking at the bites and scratches and puncture wounds on my beautiful baby that used to have perfect, flawless, and amazingly soft skin. The next morning the kitty didn't come for breakfast and I haven't seen her since. I feel like I have betrayed the poor kitty who thought I was her mommy. Now she has no one to scratch her and no one to cuddle with. She is roaming the great outdoors all by her lonesome and she never set a paw outside before Tuesday.
Meanwhile, inside the house, an exterminator came and sprayed the house inside and out for fleas. We made sure the baby was out of the house for the entire day so she wouldn't get any fumes. When we got home last night there were fleas worse than ever. This morning I've already taken 5 or 6 fleas off the baby and flushed them. I thought the bug guy was supposed to kill them, not make them worse. Maybe we'll burn the house down and move.

Friday, August 18, 2006

yippy yay

Yesterday I went to college and registered for my classes. I discovered that the math class I have to take is no longer offered as independent study so I have to take it in the classroom. Not a big deal. I came back home and looked up the class and tried to register for it. However, the student web was down so I could not get the syllabi for the classes that I just registered for or register for any more classes or actually do anything but look at a box that said "HTTP 500- internal server error". Being the anal person that I am, I e-mailed the tech desk (a somewhat nasty e-mail), called the help number (which was just a voicemail), then ranted to my hubby that "how can they expect you to have to use their damn website for everything if they can't even keep it operating for when you really need it!" So now I will probably have to miss the first day or so of that class and add it in late and get 50 signatures to be able to take it. This morning the web was finally back up and let me access my syllabi. However, it still won't let me add that one class. I was somewhat appeased to at least have my syllabi and started putting my schedule into my day planner which leads me to the conclusion that I think I will not be sleeping much. And the mother of a small child asks- "If you already don't get much sleep and then it becomes less, how much sleep is that?"

Well. I'm off to orientation. Yee haw!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

some kind of monster

Bless my dear husband for his patience. I have been in some kind of funk lately. I feel as though I have little control over myself and very often catch myself flying into a rage over silly things. I want to yell and scream and throw things. I have been smoking much more than I should. I usually allow myself one smoke a day which I savor with great glee, but recently the number has probably gone up to 3ish. I know this is a terrible, gross, and hazardous habit, but until they sell Prozac in little boxes at three dollars a pop I will probably continue to destroy my temple. Hopefully this is just some hormonal problem that will go away soon.

Yesterday I bought the book Sex and the City because the library never has it in. i haven't read enough of it yet to make a decision, but I plan to bury my face in it as soon as the baby goes down for her nap.

If AE pulls all the DVDs off the shelf one more time I think I will lock myself in the basement.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Encounter with Instead Cup

I have always thought that tampons are the most wonderful invention. I spent the first many years of adolescence wearing a pad because good Christian girls don't put things up their vagina. When I finally got the courage to defy being that good of a Christian girl and wear a tampon, I thought that I had died and gone to heaven. No more smell, no more nasty mess, no more feeling gross for a week. I've happily been a tampon user ever since. After the birth of my child it killed me to wait the two weeks that the midwife told me to wear a pad before I could try using a tampon.

Well I recently visited my sister and she gave me some Instead cups to try. I just started having my period again after weaning the baby, so I finally had a chance to try them out. (Not that I was anxious for this chance to come!) Well, no problem putting it in and to my suprise it was very comfortable. I told my husband, maybe I'll really like these. A while later I went to take it out. Only I couldn't get ahold of it. It was back behind that bone and I could feel it with my finger but I couldn't get enough of a grip to dislodge it. This was followed by 15-20 minutes of lying in odd positions groping and grabbing. I was starting to get panicked. Why doesn't it have a string to pull it out with? I asked my hubby. He said he ws not really an expert on the matter. After about half an hour I finally managed to get the thing out.

Maybe I'm missing something. But I definately don't plan to repeat the experience unless I figure out what that something is.

book meme

1. One book that changed your life?
The Bible changed my life constantly for years and now changes my life by not reading it.

2. One book that you have read more than once?
What to Expect the First Year

3. One book you would want on a desert island?
Mayo Clinic Family Health Book, both useful and interesting

4. One book that made you laugh?
All of the books in 'The Cat Who. . .' series send me into gales of laughter.

5. One book that made you cry?
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

6. One book you wish had been written?
How to Raise a Baby While Sleeping

7. One book you wish had never been written?
Any and all Algebra textbooks.

8. One book you are currently reading?
The Cat Who Chased a Thief

9. One book you have been meaning to read?
Sex and the City by Candace Bushnell. I always find it interesting to read the book that movies or shows I like are based on. Normally the book is better.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Ever feel slightly retarded?

Today I went over to the college to pay for a test and poke around a bit. I'm starting to get anxious about getting everything done that I have to before the 21st. I went into the bookstore to see if there weere book lists out so I would know what books to get. I didn't really have any intent of buying books until later, but the bookstore guy came up and asked if he could help. Instead of giving me a book list he went and found all the books I would need. This took a while and I browsed at the scrubs (choice of light blue or dark blue) and blood pressure cuffs (which are available in many different designer patterns- frogs, kitties, etc.) and T-shirts that say "MSU nursing" and bumper stickers that say "MSU BSN" and enjoyed feeling gleeful about the journey that is soon beginning. The helpful bookstore guy then summoned me that my books were ready whenever I was. I explained that I hadn't been planning on buying the books today. Could I charge them to my account and pay for them later. He informed me that this would be no problem. He rang up my books and went to charge them and it wouldn't go through. He went to go find out why. Now another person comes to help. They puttered around for a while. I stood there feeling ackward. Finally the guy who came to help asked me, "Have you registered yet?" Well my registration isn't until the 16th, so no. Now my books are reserved in a cute little pile until I go back over and pay for them. I imagine that it's not a big deal, but when I do things like that I feel slightly moronic for the remainder of the day. Good thing it's almost bedtime.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Hurricane A.E.

A rare hurricane has just passed through the mountains of WV. It blew in through the windows and left the house a total disaster area. The DVD's that used to be stacked neatly on the shelves are now thrown in a big messy pile across the floor. Magazines with pages ripped from them are lying at the sight of their destruction. The kitty is happily playing with the ripped pages. Several cardboard paged baby books are open to the last picture that was lovingly drooled on. A computer keyboard sits cock-eyed beside the bookcase, its cord weaving through the rest of the debris like a snake. Hopefully nobody wants to watch TV, because all five of the remotes are hidden like buried treasure throughout the room. Legos are in the blocks container. Blocks are in the legos container. The pillows are thrown from the couch into the midst of the rubble. A car is flipped on its side- no passenger to be seen. I think I even spy some little plates and bowls peeking from under the pile of stuffed animals over there. How could so much destruction happen all in the time it took me to wash the dishes, I wonder to myself. I just watched the weather report. They said it's supposed to be a worse hurricane season than last year. I guess I should stock up on boards and nails.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

A.E. (I O U sometimes Y)

About six months into our marriage I went off the pill and began dreaming of a baby. The next month I was pregnant. Not being able to contain my excitement over our good fortune I very quickly told everyone I knew and many people that I didn't know that a baby was on the way! My due date was December 24. It would be a holiday baby. Nothing could have thrilled me more as I love the Christmas season and eagerly anticipate its arrival every year. About three months later I woke up in the small hours of the morning and went to the bathroom and there were a few spots of blood on my panties. I noticed briefly but recalled that a little spotting was not abnormal in the first trimester. I went back to sleep. When I again awoke in the morning, the few spots of blood had turned into a small trickle down my legs. I immediately called my midwife who told me to come right in. When I arrived at the office, she did an exam. She told me to be prepared for the worst, but that she couldn't tell how bad the situation was. An ultrasound was scheduled for that afternoon. I dutifully drank my water and waited anxiously for my turn in the waiting room. By this time I was in severe pain. I thought that it was largely because of my desperate need to pee. (What cruel person devised the plan to have pregnant women drink large quantities of water and then be forbidden to use the bathroom?) Finally the nurse called my name. I hobbled to the exam room accompanied by my very concerned and growing upset husband. The nurse tried to get a picture with the regular ultrasound device, but couldn't. She said that she would have to do a vaginal ultrasound. After a few minutes of pain and prodding and fumbling, she went and got another nurse. The two of them prodded and fumbled in unison, whispered back and forth, printed some stuff out and took it to show the doctor. My husband and I waited alone in the cold room. The doctor finally made his way into the exam room and introduced himself. He noted with great glee that he was the one who pulled my husband into the light of a marvelous world. Then held up the pictures and said "It's going to be fine". You can imagine our relief as we finally exhaled for the first time in hours. I eagerly asked, "The baby's ok then?" The dear kind doctor looked at me as though I had a hole in my head and informed me that "The baby is dead. You will be fine. No need to do a D and C. It should pass naturally".

Proceed to the following hours and days of blur. Heavy bleeding. Excrutiating pain. Tears without end. Everytime I changed my pad there were large fleshy chunks on it and I had to wonder- is this piece the head, the foot, or just a piece of membrane?

The midwife said a couple weeks later at the follow-up visit that their was no reason I couldn't start trying to get pregnant again. It might be the most therapeutic thing I could do. Thus followed months of marking the calender and heving sex at all the right times. Also followed months of white plastic sticks with only one line. Thank heavens the dollar tree has preggie tests for a buck. After an uncounted number of one-lined preggie tests I told my hisband I couldn't take it anymore. I was ready to stop trying before I lost the last remant of my sanity.

I applied for college and was accepted. Proceedings began to get financial aid. I registered for classes. Took a tour of the college. Stopped even paying attention to when I was supposed to start my period. One day I glanced at the calender and thought, when was my last period? Further investigation revealed that it had been about seven weeks. I am normally very regular, but after all the months of not getting pregnant I didn't even think that was a possibility. I had one preggie test left in the medicine cabinet and my husband said I should go ahead and check. I can't bear to sit their and watch, so I donated my urine and handed the strip to my husband then I left the room. Not more than twenty seconds after I walked away I heard an odd sound from my husband.

I unapplied for college. I thought, it probably won't make it anyway so there's no point in getting excited. I was actually a little angry. I had decided to move on. I was ready to advance my career. We had decided to wait until after I finished college to try again. How dare a baby come now. My midwife said that I should go in for an ultrasound at twelve weeks to check everything out. She thought it would help me accept my pregnancy if I could see something was there. Once more I find myself sitting in the waiting room with a very full bladder staring grumpily at the floor. If I had seen the retard doctor that told me my baby was dead I might heve been inclined to throw a punch or two. Lucky for him, he must have been off that day.

The nurse prefaced the ultrasound with "It might be to early to see anything, so don't get concerned if we don't". I already knew we wouldn't see anything so I found that comment quite silly. She positioned the thing over my tummy and hit the power button. I swear to God that as soon as she turned the machine on the first thing that showed up on that screen was my baby's heart beating away like a locomotive on steroids. She focused the machine and let us look at the most beautiful sight I have ever seen- a lima bean with a heart beating right out of it's shell. I cried for five hours. I called my mom and said "It's going to be fine".

Two weeks after my due date my midwife stuck a crotchet hook inside me and my contractions finally started. And stopped. And started. And pretty much stalled out. Next comes the pitocin. This is a wonderful drug to help your contractions feel six times worse than they already have. Following this is much screaming and puking and the repeated thought of death. And then the epidural. An even more wonderful drug to make you think you finally did die and woke up in heaven.

2:34 am- A.E. announces her entrance to the world with a hearty cry. A nine pound baby covered in mucous and blood is placed on my stomach and I can think of nothing that has ever looked so precious. She goes right to the breast, suckles for an hour, and hasn't stopped eating since.